Coming Out of the Cold Dark Cave

I woke up this morning and nothing hurt. Not my heart, not my knee, not my spine, not my belly with its girdle of barbed wire. True, I’d only had six hours of sleep, but I’ll take it. Nothing hurts. All is well. Like a miracle I am me again. And all it took was one year and two gallons of ardent coral paint.

IMG_1900

When you live with situational depression, in my case I had a falling-apart marriage and a too-stressful job, or chronic physical pain that almost comically morphs from torn ACL to fractured bone to shingles to strep throat with all the pills and their side effects in between, and one thing just happens after the next, there comes a point where you accept the pain and learn to live along side it. I don’t want to say I made friends with the pain, but I didn’t try to ditch it every second of every day anymore. I sat with it. I let myself feel it.

IMG_1921

I’m a reader and a meditator, I have tools. First I got a therapist. There’s something about cognitive therapy that feels like unpicking a knotted gold chain. And another thing happens calls transference. Sometimes the patient (that’s me) transfers her anger, pain, distress, or even love onto her therapist. In my case, I transferred my friend-gene. I had lost the ability almost entirely to talk to my friends. Physical sickness does that to me. And I didn’t want to tell anyone about my crumbling marriage, either. So Dr. B became my confidant, she became my best friend and gold knot untangler. Stars did she do a heavenly job.

We were almost done with the mental aspects, and the marriage was looking pretty good, when the physical stuff hit. Dr. B, like any good best friend, stuck with me through that because I needed her to cope with the way the pain wore me down and also all the pills. My aim is to get out of this cold dark cave un-addicted to food, to pills, to wine, to whining. I want nothing less than shining health.

IMG_1898

See that light on top of the room? Al brought that home for me from his travels. It had been his mothers and his father had given it to him. Now Harrison men are not vocal in their appreciation and love, but I knew that Al’s dad didn’t give Al the light for his man cave. And I knew Al didn’t show it to me so I could say it was pretty. I knew it  for the gift it was. Love of a mom no longer with us shining down on my new room where I can write in peace on the other side of a year of pain.

13 Comments on “Coming Out of the Cold Dark Cave

  1. Thank you for sharing your mammoth struggle this past eternity. So happy you feel yourself for a time, age brings many surprises and I’m trying to cope with them as well as I can which is random from day to day. I guess we have to change our expectations! And up the appreciation as you clearly have! That color is amazing!!!! Wait till the smell goes before u sit there too long it’s toxic open the windows wide for a while!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Awesome color! You are such a creative writer!
    Sure hope you and Al can join us at the cottage for Labor Day weekend!

    Like

    • Thanks Becky! We are really hoping to get to the cottage, in fact Al was just talking about it. We don’t have other plans and we are saving the date. Now if he can just take some time off work we will be there! xo

      Like

  3. I know pain can cause a person to go into a depression. It can be physical or mental pain. I have a dear friend in mental pain that has caused her a deep depression(suicidal thoughts). My only advice to her was to dive into the word of God and pray for the Holy Spirit to come upon her. The Holy Spirit supplies us with comfort …so loving and peaceful! God has delivered me from the addiction of cigarettes and my husband from alcohol….he lives in us and gives us the power of the Holy Spirit.
    So Cindy, I give you the same advice. I love you Sis and want you to be happy and honestly God is the only answer I know of!

    Like

    • Thanks Becky. I think life — every life — has its ups and downs. God can’t save us from suffering. If God is inside us, and I think she is, then it is our own core of universal love that saves us. Or not. I admire so much what you and Bob have done with your lives. Al saved me from cigarettes. Al and Mike and Tim. The “make mom stop” gang. LOL. love you sis!

      Like

  4. Glad you’re feeling so much better, Cyn… I know that talking to someone, someone who is not part of the problem, can work wonders, but I can’t do it. I know what I have to do, and one of these days…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Your words gave me goosebumps, Cindy. What a journey you’ve had, taking it one step at a time and dealing with each challenge as it appears. May the path ahead be clear and joyful ~

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: