Empty

2014 was a year of spectacular heartache, unbearable suffering, and more joy than my soul could reasonably hold. In other words, it was a year like many others, with equal shares of happiness and sorrow. I hurt myself a little more in 2014 … small self-inflicted injuries caused by lack of attention to what I was doing, where I was going, and why I was working in the dark with inadequate tools.

Got a couple of bashes on the head, a gash on the knee, an arrow to the heart…but I survived to learn a few things. Not every bit of suffering comes with a lesson learned. Some things remain a mystery despite my delving deeply into a search for meaning. I’m beginning to wonder if this need we humans have for meaning is meaningless. Maybe some stuff doesn’t have a meaning or a lesson or a gift. Maybe shit just happens. Wheels spin, worlds turn, people live, stars die.

Today I dismantled the holiday and tucked it away for another year. I washed floors and shined mirrors. And I felt empty. Empty in a good way. Cleaned out. Done in. Over it. Ready to begin again. And this year, I plan to be more mindful of the steps I take and to pay attention to when I ought to apply the brakes. Not to get all Buddhist, but I feel like there is no center to this “I”. There is no unified personality. She is me but that includes many things, some of them puzzles never to be solved, swirls of ideas and mistakes made and digits counted and words shaped.

Those words, these words, are the rope I lay down daily to pull this “me” thing, this empty inside someone, along. Eventually, the words will fill me up again. And may 2015 be a year of peace and equanimity. I’m due. And I’m betting you are, too.

11 Comments on “Empty

  1. Like you, I am hoping for a more peaceful year this time. Mind you, I’m not holding my breath. Fuss and bother seem to follow me around like stray dogs, and I am getting a little tired of it all. I keep hoping I will stumble upon some little known secret that will guide me in the right direction, or at least hint at what I have been doing wrong. I don’t have too much time left to make a difference, but the desire is still strong, so I guess that counts!
    Best wishes…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ah, time. That’s the kicker, eh, Jen? Was reading yesterday a line from an 80-something year old woman who said “If I don’t have the answers now, when?” and you know, it gave me hope. Maybe we never get those answers. Peace, well, I wish that for both of us!

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  2. I’m absolutely sure that we humans have a drive to find meaning, and I’m also sure that there’s not always a meaning there. We know from evolutionary theory that humans want to find a pattern and we want to find agency (cause and effect). Doesn’t mean they exist. But so what? I can live without answers. I can live without knowing what the meaning is, or if there even is one. I long ago copped to the idea that there might not be any answers at all and we just have to live with it. Good luck to you and happiness in the new year.

    Liked by 1 person

    • This year in particular I looked for answers and could not find them. So I give up. I really do. Gotta let go or go crazy. I’m already crazy so guess I’ll let go:) Love ya, Kris:)

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