Laying low in October may have been easier to do if not for the full moon early in the month that rocked my world. There has been a measure of success in this period of rest, but it has come at a price. For every rest, the next day just jams up with more “to do” on the list. I really need to learn to let go of some things, and I’m practicing.
Success in the kitchen is happening. Easier meals, still healthy but with some short cuts, are fully in swing. It’s not unusual for Al to pop in the kitchen to ask if I need help these days, a big change. Because I’m communicating with him and expressing my needs as I have never done before–that’s the part of the full moon most helpful. Self expression outside fiction can be difficult in close relationships for me. I have trust issues, what can I say?
But as I move into the “next” phase of my life, whatever that ends up looking like, I am broken open, but in a good way. My heart has cracked wide and trusting is on the agenda. I have to, it’s part of my life’s journey, and as the lines on my face attest, it’s in a later rather than earlier stage.
I said a few blogs ago that I’ve been seeking out various therapeutic remedies to help me learn balance and calm, including massage for my sensitive outer skin and seeing a psychologist who has helped me become more fully the person I want to be inside. Yesterday I consulted with spiritual counselor Kate Surgey via Skype. (She’s in London; I’m in Detroit) and her “life path” reading helped me make sense of my journey thus far and where I need to go next.
I didn’t tell Kate anything about my life, but she knew all about it anyway, and as I always suspected, my first thirty years were the most difficult ones. I was truly prepared to settle quietly into retirement from teaching, from the work in the outer world. Then, a few things happened. I won’t tell those stories again; they are here in the posts, which have become so much more personal in the last six or so months. Events threw me in the air and spun my head around. I got a little dizzy! Like Dorothy in Oz, I landed in a strange unfamiliar place where I didn’t know the rules, and I’ve been sorting things out for awhile now.
It seems my life is destined for a third act and it won’t be the sweet hibernation I crave. One of the things Kate said is my life’s purpose is to serve others by communicating helpful information on a world stage. Well, yeah, I’m a teacher, but she said no, that part is over. I’m a writer, I said, but I’m a novelist, I write from home. Take your message into the world, Kate said. Travel. Teach other age groups what you’ve learned in this life. I told Kate there was a part of me that wanted to do just that, but another part argued that who am I to tell anybody how to do anything?
Sure, okay, maybe I can help seniors write family memories if that’s something they want to do. Maybe I can share my experiences of divorce and child custody issues, which is what my upcoming novel is about…but that’s the thing, I told Kate. I don’t want to talk to people about important soul-destroying things like divorce and child custody only to say “And by the way, buy my book.” I told her about the shirtless cover. She laughed and said that would be a cute anecdote for the talk, but I was right, this next new thing isn’t about money or marketing my book. It’s about the intention to help others by sharing my experiences. Kate said if it flows, it goes. If there are blocks, stop.
Makes total sense to me. That’s how you know you’re following the dharma. Namaste.