Bad boyfriends eat your food, sleep in your bed, and drink your wine but never take you out for a meal or ask you to meet his friends. He doesn’t want to meet yours, either.
Bad boyfriends never say “I love you” instead, when pressed, they say “What is love, anyway?” Worse boyfriends say “I’ve never loved anyone.” Sure they have, they love themselves. A little too well.
Bad boyfriends sleep with your friends and PS those girls are not your friends.
Bad boyfriends share exotic drugs with you and as soon as you are under the erotic spell they leave. These guys are sadists. Their whole intent is to withhold and punish. They probably had sex just before they got to your place because how else could they possibly refuse your charms?
Bad boyfriends bring bricks of weed into your apartment to steam then divide into ounces with your Weight Watchers scale, giving you a contact high and the reek of marajuana just before you go to your job at Taco Bell.
Bad boyfriends, glued in place with eyes on sports screen, say “Yeah, I’ll have another beer.” You hadn’t offered.
Bad boyfriends use you as a gap girlfriend until the one they really love comes home from college. Worse boyfriends talk about how she is the most intelligent, funny, and sexy woman he has ever known.
Bad boyfriends cook for you, love you well, then disappear from your area of the planet, leaving no clue as to where he’s gone.
Bad boyfriends leer at waitress’s cleavage. Worse boyfriends ask her name and what time her shift ends.
Bad boyfriends say “you’re cute, but my ex is beautiful.”
Bad boyfriends say they were just tested and clean of all STDs, some you have never heard of. And they are lying about it.
Bad boyfriends steal you from your spouse, cheat on you, beg you to come back to Detroit from the private paradise that is Key West in 1974, and then, when you do return, they cheat on you again almost immediately.
Bad boyfriends meet you at guitar lessons, he’s giving, you’re taking. He flirts, kisses you silly, rolls a joint, smokes it with pleasure in your kitchen, and still wants a check after teaching you absolutely nothing except that he would be a very bad boyfriend.
Bad boyfriends, after you break up, discourage any new suitor who asks his permission to date you by saying nasty things about your body.
Girls should be forgiven for allowing bad boyfriends into their lives. We’ve all had one. Or, in my case, many. Bad boyfriends may be wounded, but that doesn’t give them the right to cut your heart out.
Ever had a bad boyfriend? How about a bad girlfriend? Please add to my list of flashing DANGER signs in the comments. For all of us.
*Photo credit Isaiah 12:2