Bet you thought this post would be about television viewing. Yeah, I do that too; it’s all part of my addictive personality. I promised to post about positive things like love and joy, and I will, but my life is not always so serene. I am at my best when writing, and it shows up here.
The binge behavior I am working on today is food. Just to be clear, I am overweight and I have been obese. The needle goes back and forth. The minute I decided to lose weight, I gained three pounds. Well, more specifically, I lost one, then gained four. For the past week I have been eating in the afternoon until I am so full I feel slightly sick. I don’t throw up. I don’t eat dinner, either.
This really is a post for the bingers out there. It might be a bit much for anyone who has never had the urge to keep going. With food, sex, drugs, alcohol, what have you. If someone is looking to me for support, I want them to know I don’t purge. Neither do I eat dinner. Also, this is a secret from my husband (I tell him I had a big lunch, a late lunch, or have a stomach ache, all of which are true). I don’t tell him or anyone else because I’m ashamed of my out-of-control behavior.
I’ve been doing this so long, with so many things, and one by one my options shut down. I omitted smoking for my health in my 30s. That’s the last healthy free-will decision I have made. It also led to me finding a substitute: food. I began putting on a few pounds a year until I got quite fat. Pills and alcohol were problems in the past, but not big problems, because in excess they make me ill. Emetaphobia is the fear of vomiting. It’s there, in my array of phobias. Sometimes phobias can be good things.
My last go-to binge is food. When I was younger, I didn’t know why I had an addictive personality or why I have massive phobias. I just thought I was fucked up. Hooray! That’s not it. I mean, yes, I am fucked up. (Ask Philip Larkin why) I’ve done this addiction thing for a really long time, because I’ve been on the planet a long time. I feel like I should have a better handle on my diet as I’ve had some other successes in life that have proven to me I’m not beyond hope.
Not more therapy. Maybe a book. Maybe sign up for a real yoga class again. For sure schedule healthy meals and snacks and DO NOT vary this routine.
Ever, ever, ever again.
This runs in the family the eating and I have claustrophobia and don’t fly anymore (25 yrs now) I drive everywhere and I missed a lot when I flew so that’s been a plus in my life seeing the world(the states I’d have to fly to see the world (lol) ) Love your daily trips Cynthia my beautiful neice
Aunt Wese, Al & I love road trips; they are the best! You do see the country. But I need medication for mountains, bridges & out-of-the-blue curves. I think I’ll always need meds; that’s okay. There are always curves:)
First of all, Mary Lou, my heart goes out to you. I have suffered agoraphobia and it’s awful.
My big phobia is driving, and it really hampers me and my independence. I swear I will work on it after the snow is gone.
As far as eating, well, there are times when I’ve binged, or at least it was bingeing in my book. (By the way, I have that fear of vomiting thing, too!) It’s so weird; I know it’s not good, yet I still do it sometimes. I say to myself, Hey! Where’s the rational me? But the truth is that these things aren’t rational at all. I don’t usually binge on chocolate or other sweets, or even salty snacks. but I will binge on, say, cheese and crackers.
It helps me if I make sure to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner, with maybe a tiny snack in-between (like peanut butter on a celery stick). I wouldn’t presume to know what works for other people.
I have a lot of shame around my phobias, that’s for sure.
Kris, I am so sorry because I know how much you love your trailer and taking Arlene on the road. I have not gone out much since the snow. Feel like I live in an igloo. Starting to melt, yay!
Thanks for reinforcing what I felt; stick to sensible meals and snacks. I have tried so many “diets” this may be what works. Come over this spring if you want a short drive!
Poor old you, what a difficult thing to contend with. I need to lose weight and I find it hard to control what I eat but I DO, or I’d be stones heavier, However, mostly I eat too much because I have a big appetite (mostly, I don’t eat unless I am hungry), and because I like to ‘complete the pleasure’ (watching that film is even nicer if you eat a Weightwatchers ice cream while you’re doing so!).
One thing that works for me – you know when you’ve eaten a small thing (say, a small chocolate biscuit) that you’ve really loved and you feel as if you’re CRAVING another one? As if you MUST have it? If you can control that urge to rush and get another for five minutes, the feeling goes away. It really does. Also, eating fruit helps control a sweet tooth, as your body is getting sugar in other forms. I eat a bit bowl of it for breakfast nearly every day!
I do understand this, though – I’ve got the sort of personality that wants more more more of everything I like, too! I used to drink far too much, never mind everything else. I think that, at our age, it’s time to stop beating ourselves up about not being a size 10 (that’s size 6 in US), and accept that perhaps we might be a little larger, but we can still look and feel fine – and dress accordingly. I don’t mean boring separates or tents, but stop thinking we have to look good in jeans, or have waistlines that we can show off. I think if you stop giving yourself a hard time you can relax about it all more, and get out of that binge-guilt cycle. Hope some of that makes sense!
As your friend I just want you to know how genuinely proud I am of you, Cindy. I think everyone DOES have their little ‘ways’. Most don’t talk about them and I myself have a few!
As for weight, well it is important to eat healthily for everyone but I know Al loves you just the way you are, whether you carry a few pounds or not. As you know I am going through the menopause and have put on weight in the last six months. All my aunts are short and round and I fully expect to uphold the family tradition from both sides of my ancestral line!
I think what you need to put a stop to is the guilt. If you want something/crave it then have it, just a smaller amount. Or perhaps just at weekends? Or only at 3pm each day so you have something tasty to look forward to perhaps?
Whatever you decide, do try not to be so hard on yourself. Nobody is perfect and who is to say what ‘perfect’ is anyway? xx
Terry thank you! Yes it made massive sense. I had an apple yesterday and it was great. I hear pectin in apples helps cravings. I can’t keep chocolate biscuits in my house. They disappear. The thing with binges is they are not constant–this last one was about a week, maybe six days. Now I will return to normal (well normal for me;) and shall be fine until next time. Except I really hope there is no next time. I don’t mind being a bit overweight. I just do not want to have to buy bigger clothes. And you’re right, I am too hard on myself sometimes. Thanks for your support.
Aww, Bodicia, thanks, dear. I do have this guilt thing. And do you know I told Al my big secret and he wasn’t even surprised. He’s known it all along, of course he has. After a few times of looking for the ice cream we’d bought that week or the chips or cookies, and they were always gone, at first he used to be surprised but not these days. And he’s never said a word to me about my weight gain. 29 years. I will be having some treats on vacation next week, but I like your idea of time limit and Terry’s of seeing if I can’t just stop at one cupcake. Such a friend! I’m rich in support with this post.