Bet you thought this post would be about television viewing. Yeah, I do that too; it’s all part of my addictive personality. I promised to post about positive things like love and joy, and I will, but my life is not always so serene. I am at my best when writing, and it shows up here.
The binge behavior I am working on today is food. Just to be clear, I am overweight and I have been obese. The needle goes back and forth. The minute I decided to lose weight, I gained three pounds. Well, more specifically, I lost one, then gained four. For the past week I have been eating in the afternoon until I am so full I feel slightly sick. I don’t throw up. I don’t eat dinner, either.
This really is a post for the bingers out there. It might be a bit much for anyone who has never had the urge to keep going. With food, sex, drugs, alcohol, what have you. If someone is looking to me for support, I want them to know I don’t purge. Neither do I eat dinner. Also, this is a secret from my husband (I tell him I had a big lunch, a late lunch, or have a stomach ache, all of which are true). I don’t tell him or anyone else because I’m ashamed of my out-of-control behavior.
I’ve been doing this so long, with so many things, and one by one my options shut down. I omitted smoking for my health in my 30s. That’s the last healthy free-will decision I have made. It also led to me finding a substitute: food. I began putting on a few pounds a year until I got quite fat. Pills and alcohol were problems in the past, but not big problems, because in excess they make me ill. Emetaphobia is the fear of vomiting. It’s there, in my array of phobias. Sometimes phobias can be good things.
My last go-to binge is food. When I was younger, I didn’t know why I had an addictive personality or why I have massive phobias. I just thought I was fucked up. Hooray! That’s not it. I mean, yes, I am fucked up. (Ask Philip Larkin why) I’ve done this addiction thing for a really long time, because I’ve been on the planet a long time. I feel like I should have a better handle on my diet as I’ve had some other successes in life that have proven to me I’m not beyond hope.
Not more therapy. Maybe a book. Maybe sign up for a real yoga class again. For sure schedule healthy meals and snacks and DO NOT vary this routine.
Ever, ever, ever again.