Need You Now


“It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk, and I need you now.” Music knows. Now that I’m coming off some incredibly disruptive medication, I have been remembering my dreams again. The ones we have at night when we go to sleep. Those dreams.

I had it again last night, the dream I’ve have for forty years. A man from my past, he was a boy then, and I was a girl. His girl. If I thought I got over him during daylight, at night I knew I never really would. We connected in our dreams.

Dreams are funny things. We pretend they are beyond our understanding or control but  they aren’t. I used to have bad dreams, scary dreams, dreams where I was defeated by unspeakable evil. I learned how to wake up inside those dreams and change them. I became the warrior I needed to be. I changed the endings.

Lucid Dreaming is real. Anyone can train themselves to do it.

I didn’t know that when I was 16, 26, 36 even. Back then I thought dreams were just symbols, or messages. So when I’d dream about him, I’d call. It didn’t matter who I was married to, I knew he needed me, so I made contact. All those years, we never made love. I never cheated on my partner with him. But we knew each other so well and no man has ever spoken to me with as much light-filled truth. But he can be cruel, too.

In the dream last night, I didn’t wake, but I behaved my dreamself. I finally saw him in all his beautiful deception. And I knew who I was and to whom I owed my loyalty. I turned away. I woke thinking I needed to call, but this time it was not him I wanted to call. It was the right man. I finally made amends.

Science doesn’t know much about dreams. It isn’t even clear why we dream. Lots of theories out there but not a heck of a lot of fact. One thing science does know, a recent finding, is that our minds don’t recognize the difference between dreaming and daytime thought. Half our lives, completely beyond our control. If you think that’s true, it will be.

We all have longings and we all have our quarter after one moments, but it’s what we do with them that counts.


  1. Usually I can do lucid dreaming, but not always. I’ve had some really awful dreams where I’ve cried out and awoken J. Recently I’ve been having dreams where it takes me a few minutes after waking to separate the dream from reality–like having to figure out that a deceased person is actually deceased.

    I like this post a lot!


  2. I dreamed the other night that Baryshnikov kissed me. He said he was sorry he hadn’t done it before (which was very nice, considering that we had never met before and in real life only talked on the phone once). I lucidly tried to stay asleep, but was unsuccessful.


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