Loss

Every day since last week I  have been wanting to write an entry, but just could not do it. I posted about my personal loss on FB and then again when Newtown tragedy hit us like a bag of hammers. On Monday, my beloved cat died after three weeks of struggling to stay alive. Then on Friday, the children. And the adult school personnel. Since my first post to FB about that mass murder, I have not been able to post again.

If I write that a friend gave me homemade cookies, it sounds trite. If I write that I can’t eat those cookies because of doctor’s orders, I sound self-involved. If I say Al will enjoy them and not gain an ounce, well, now I’m kidding around and having fun and that is not the mood of FB right now.

And yet, I don’t want to look at that post about Newtown anymore. I don’t want it to be my last comment to FB. I want to begin again, but it is difficult. My cat was my constant companion for ten years. I rescued him from kitty death row (he had a cold and they were putting him down). I knew that he would not have as long a life as some of my other cats. It was not in his nature to play it safe. Our family cat lived to be 22, living with my parents longer than I did! Rusty lived only ten years.

But Rusty was a wild cat. He daily attempted feats of great danger due to his love of high places. He ate shoelaces and ribbons. He chewed my purses and boots. He was part dog. As a consequence, my house had to be Rusty-proof at all times. Now, I don’t have to make sure the pens are put away or the purse is hanging on a hook. I don’t have to cover the hummus before guests arrrive and I can leave a glass of water on a table with confidence that no cat paw or tongue had been inside it. All Christmas bows and ornaments are unshredded pristine.

But in every moment of the day, I miss my cat. I can only imagine how the parents of the Newtown children must feel. There is no comparison. In fact, when Newtown happened, it put my grief, that now seems so small, about Rusty aside. Now I grieve with the rest of us for Newtown’s families.

 

 

8 Comments on “Loss

  1. Cindy, it’s all true ~ we grieve our individual losses while we grieve the larger losses, too. Be gentle with yourself. We still miss Leo a year and a half later, and he was with us just two and half years. The heart feels what the heart feels.

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  2. Sharon, thank you. I remember when you lost Leo. For some of us, our pets have souls, too. And I still do miss Rusty terribly. The great tragedy in our nation replacing one kind of suffering for another for a little while. Now like everyone else, I’m sad and perplexed for Newtown. How could this happen? Will we take measures to make sure it does not happen again? Is that even possible?

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  3. Cindy, I’m so sorry to read hear that you lost Rusty. I don’t know if you heard but we recently lost both are cats, so we know how your feeling. Abby was old and sick so it was expected, but Madie was totally unexpected. It is strange I still think I see Madie out of the corner of my eye.

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    • Oh Pam, I didn’t hear about your cats. So sorry! You have double the sadness. Hope your sweet doggie is doing well. And did I hear you have a second dog now too?

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      • Cindy, Yes we do have 2 dogs now. When Bailey had the puppies, the one little guy looked so much like Buster I had to keep him (what was I thinking).

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  4. There are lots of things happening in the world simultaneously. Some good, some bad. Some that affect you directly, some that don’t. I can appreciate you wanting to be sensitive about what has happened, but it shouldn’t diminish your own love for Rusty or your own feelings of (a very personal) loss. What you have written above is quite poignant and I would love to see you write some more about Rusty – with pictures if you have them. It doesn’t have to be on Facebook. And it would certainly count towards ‘writing through the holidays.’

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    • John, thank you! When I re-read that post, the ending seemed off, because I still miss Rusty every day! Love your idea about a post with pics. We have been looking at the old photos of Rusty as a kitten & they’d be a fun holiday blog to share:)

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