Swiftly

Have a final exam to write this weekend on Restoration lit. In the spirit of Jonathan Swift, I thought I’d write this memo to students everywhere:

How to Get an Easy A in Every Class

1. Cheat as often as you can, because everyone knows cheaters go far in life. Look at Bernie Madoff. Well before he went to jail. But still…

2. Plagiarize. Teachers know when you do it, but with the internet it’s really difficult to prove. So you get two benefits: you stick a metaphorical tongue out at the teacher and you don’t have to think!

3. Don’t bother reading the assignments. And along that same line, don’t listen to a word the teacher says. Teachers are old and do not understand the concerns of youth today.

4. Be absent as much as possible, but if there is an attendance policy, show up. That’s all you have to do! Text or catch up on Facebook while you’re there.

5. Email your teacher early and often to let her know how unfair you think her grading policies and practices are. If you don’t tell her, she’ll never know how horrible a teacher she really is. Also, she is probably picking on you!

6. Pray for the holiday break. You don’t have to believe in God. It will come anyway. And your grades will appear, sure to bring you merriment and cheer. Well done, you!