There She Goes

I’ve had a very long relationship with Lily, the main character in the crime novel manuscript I just sent off to my editor this morning. It feels like I’m sending her off to her good life, something she’s been cheated out of for far too long. It was challenging for me to figure out a way to show how such a damaged young woman could somehow come out on the other side of physical and emotional torment to health and happiness.

I think I did it. Now I just need to wait to see what my editor thinks:)


Send Love, Let Go

Today is my youngest son’s birthday. He’s got a son of his own now:) As I constantly bemoan, they live two thousand miles away. It feels very far on special days. Every day, if I’m honest. Friends who have their children and grandchildren close wonder how I cope. Well, one day at a time. One hour at a time.

I can be a bit obsessive in my thinking, ruminating to no avail except my own misery. Now misery gets my attention. I always want to fix that right away as I far prefer being happy or at least content. So I came up with a plan out of desperation and find it serves me well where my sons are concerned and in many other situations that strike me as sad or unmanageable or out of my control.

Which is, you know, almost everything.

So what I do when I have a thought like “I miss Tim” is I try to stop the flow right there at the first thought and not dwell on it. I stop and let myself miss him a minute and then I send love and let go. I let go of the thought of missing him, I don’t let go of the fact that he is my child and will forever be cemented in my heart right next to his brother.

Some days I have to do this “send love, let go” hundreds of times. When I think of somebody who upset me. When I think of a bit of work I have to do that I wish I had not let myself get talked into. When I have a chore that must be done and I’d rather read. When I remember a long-held grudge. When I miss someone. This “send love, let go” can even work on myself. I can have compassion for myself and send myself some love and let go of the anxiety or the boredom or whatever the drama it is I’m creating in my mind.

I did it with the guy I used to be in my last life. Maybe you remember the post about my recent past-life regression in which I attempted to uncover events that led to a couple of phobias I carried into this life quite by accident.

My past life, according to the psychic, was in the 1920s in Buckinghamshire, England. I was a 25 year old man with a house in London, quite well-to-do, with a wife and two children. I was horseback riding and was suddenly thrown from my horse (phobia of heights) this causes paralysis (claustrophobia) and eventual death. Knowing these facts about the guy I named Joe (just because he seemed like a Joe to me when I thought about how his life was so tragically cut short) is supposed to be all I need in order to move forward without phobia. I have not been able to test these phobic reactions of mine yet to see if they are indeed gone but I certainly hope they are.

I feel like they are, because I sent Joe love, and then I let go.

Summer of Cindy

fall.dirt.photoThe trip called my life has been pretty smooth and predictable for the last year or so. Really nice ride on back dirt roads. Many pleasures, large and small. A tiny baby boy-to-be brings vast pleasure to this upcoming Granny.

That part of life flows effortlessly on…while other parts have taken a hit. My beautiful back road with the overarching trees, so green in summer that the air glowed with color, are gone. Concrete will replace dirt, houses will replace meadows, and I am sad about that. But life moves. Constantly and not always to our personal plan.

Assumptions about ourselves, plans we make, risks we take (or don’t), all of that life business, constantly shifts for me. Every day is an act of reinvention, major or minor. I feel the shift more than I used to … I glided for so long in a safe cocoon but something happened, I woke up, I freed parts of myself I didn’t realized I’d chained, I changed inside.

Almost every day a new epiphany. I am the center of one life. Mine. That was a shocker and it started happening way back in March in California when I saw Tim and Alicia. What I found out is that they love me but they don’t need me. Tim doesn’t need me. It is not necessary to plan my life around when I can come to California next. I have relaxed. I can go where I need to go, not where I thought I needed to be to keep this image I had of myself as “a good mom.” I am happy for all my visits to all of the places my children have gone since they left home. But I finally understand that I can be a good mom from wherever I happen to be on the planet. And with Mike and Jessica, their life is even more obviously in a place where I am welcome and beloved, but not necessary. It took me a really long time to finally relax into that realization and learn to hold on more loosely.

Of course all bets are off when baby comes. I have no idea what that will do to my new-found inner peace:)

I don’t know what’s around the corner or what it will look like, but I’m not thinking I need to move to Oregon to be close to the boys anymore. Hawaii would be nice (it is closer to both of them than Detroit!) but Hawaii is a state of mind as well as an actual state.

Everything changes all the time and where I am needed most now is inside the heart of my very own singular life. So here we go into this summer of Cindy. I’ll send you a postcard.